Stay Still
by supercellchaser
Summary: "He had just lost the one thing that was tethering him down. Keeping him from doing something reckless…" Post "Good God, Ya'll", Sam/Castiel, Angst, H/C, Rated T for suicide. Not a death fic. Title for Blessthefall's "Stay Still".
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not Blessthefall, not Supernatural or it's characters or ideas. Not even the title is mine. Nothing is mine.

Seeing as I was very disappointed with the season six premiere…I'm going to write season five Sastiel. Here's to hoping it gets better in the next episodes.

Btw…Like zomg guys! Totally add me on Facebook (Brittaney Radlinger)! There needs to be more fans of Sastiel on Brittaney's Facebook! Lol

Set after Sam and Dean split post Good God, Ya'll and Dean says they are better apart

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Sam could deal with him and Dean separating. He had wanted it anyway. What hurt him the most was the blatant lack of argument from his older brother. He had made up his mind and was incorrigible in his decision but he never expected Dean to just agree without an epic battle. It hurt him deeply but he could deal with it. It was his fault anyway.

So he acclimated. He got a job, made his way and dealt with the separation. He prayed for forgiveness whenever he had a chance, hoping that it wasn't futile. Being away from his brother hurt, loneliness ate away at him day and night as he spent countless hours alone in a room contemplating his sins. The loneliness hurt, but he made do. He had no choice.

He wouldn't attempt to make friends at work. He kept to himself, doing his job quickly and efficiently. He would not allow himself to make friends. They would only help to relieve the loneliness that he so much deserved. This was his punishment and he would not try to escape it.

He had almost believed he could pull it off. Could deal with the loneliness just enough to make it through each day. That was until Jess showed up.

He had believed for a moment that it was her returning to help him take the edge off his loneliness and guilt, to help him make it through without Dean. He was wrong though. Dead wrong.

The revelation that he was Lucifer's vessel…devastated him…for lack of better words. He knew he was messed up but this…this was too much.

He was destined to be the meat suit for the ultimate evil while his brother was destined to be the meat suit for the near ultimate good? It hurt Sam to the very core of his bones. He felt more isolated than ever before. Dean and Castiel and the angels had each other on the side of good while Sam teetered on the edge of damnation alone.

He was determined to redeem himself. He had run away yet again and it was time to yet again return. He had the tiniest inkling of faith that perhaps if he could return to hunting and keep himself clean, that everything would be okay. He yearned to have the company of his brother back, and deep down he yearned for Castiel's company as well. No matter what Castiel thought of him, no matter how evil he believed Sam to be, Sam would take it only to have the company of the angel back.

So, Sam broke his promise to himself to leave Dean alone, to allow Dean to be safe and free of his pain in the butt, demon spawn little brother, and dialed Dean's number.

He had felt something he had not felt in quite awhile when he called Dean. He had felt the hope that everything might possibly be okay and work out. He felt a soft smile tugging at his lips as he imagined himself denying Lucifer and making Dean and Castiel proud.

That small bit of hope was quickly dashed when he was connected to Dean.

"_Look Sam, it doesn't matter what we do…_

_Better off apart…"_

Sam couldn't breathe. He fought to keep his concentration on the road, fought to keep the tears from blinding him.

"_Dean, don't do this." _Sam had plead with his brother. Dean had never been able to resist Sam when he was this heartbroken, when he plead so strongly. Apparently though, Sam's recent escapade with Ruby and Lucifer had numbed Dean to his little brother's pain. Dean's voice was cold and stern. He and Sam could not possibly hunt again because they weakened each other.

Sam knew what Dean was really saying. They had to keep apart because Sam's stupidity and weakness was tearing Dean apart. He no longer could handle dealing with such an abomination for a little brother so he simply decided to keep them apart.

"_Goodbye Sam."_ The line clicked off and Sam was left desperately gasping for air. The phone dropped from his numb grasp and he swerved the car off to the side of the road and threw it into park. Clutching his unkempt hair in trembling hands, Sam banged his head against the steering wheel a couple times, sobs racking him.

"_Can't stop this suffering in my head_

_ can't turn this one around,_

_ If I could pull you from the wreckage, we'd be alright,_

_ Oh Lord, don't tell me this is happening._

_ If I could hold you for a second, we'd be alright, _

_ Oh Lord, don't tell me this is happening._

_ So when does it start getting better so far from home?_

_ The lights are fading out, just leave us all behind."_

(Blessthefall- Stay Still)

Sam slammed his fist into the dashboard repeatedly until his fist began to bleed. Sobs continued to shake him and he was bordering on hyperventilation.

He had just lost the one thing that was tethering him down. Keeping him from doing something reckless…

As Sam's loud sobs turned to hiccups of anguish, a morbid thought entered him mind. Had he been in his right mind, not chock full of fresh anguish, maybe he would have thought of what a stupid decision this was, but he wasn't in his right mind and anguish encompassed him.

His eyes traveled to the duffel bad on the seat beside him. The duffel bag that filled the empty passenger seat. Sam couldn't have the seat empty, it reminded him too much of just how alone he really was. He sometime scoffed at the idea of a duffel bag filling Dean or Castiel's spot but he didn't dwell on that at the moment.

His hand moved unconsciously to the zipper, slowly opening the dark blue bag. He hesitantly pulled out the large hunting knife, which felt horribly heavy in his hands.

He thought about Dean, about Castiel. What this would do to them. When his thoughts roamed to Dean, he thought that his older brother may be a bit distraught but in the long run it would be a blessing to be free of Sam. To be free of the burden.

When his thoughts roamed to Castiel, butterflies erupted in his stomach. There was something about Castiel that fascinated Sam to no end and he knew the angel had the same ruminations.

Sam and Castiel had forged a friendship, maybe more than that, over the last few months and Sam could not help but wonder how Castiel would take this. His answer to himself was similar to the answer for Dean.

Castiel would be better off, not in the line of angelic fire anymore, free of the burden of something so tainted. Castiel was pure, free of the darkness that encompassed Sam and Sam knew that if he allowed himself to be near Castiel any longer, the darkness would travel. It always did. It had already burdened Dean, and Sam would not allow it to burden his angel.

He didn't know what he was thinking and didn't stop to contemplate the repercussions of his actions as he set the knife on his wrist.

He didn't think twice, didn't look back.

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Chapter 2 coming soon. Reviews make a faster update. :-)


	2. Chapter 2

So…I have noticed that my fics are very emo/angsty. I find this ironic because I am a very happy/giddy person but for some reason I make my stories chock full of angst! Anyhoo…

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He didn't think twice, didn't look back.

A hiss of pain escaped him as he slowly traced the vein in his wrist with the sharp knife. He let out a cry of pain, scrunching his eyes shut as he continued to cut.

Long bloody streaks scarred his wrist. Blood flowed freely and the pain left Sam breathless.

His fatal job finished, Sam dropped the knife to the floor of the car, pressing his face against the steering wheel as his blood continued to flow.

He wished it didn't hurt so much but he supposed that he deserved the pain. A quick, painless death was not what a monster deserved.

As Sam bled out on the desolate, dark highway, his thoughts drifted to his brother and Castiel.

He didn't want to leave them like this. He wanted nothing more than to be in the passenger seat of the Impala with a headache from Dean blaring his 'mullet rock'. He wanted nothing more than to spend countless hours just sitting and talking with Castiel, like they had been doing a lot of lately.

As his body became heavier and heavier, his eyelids slowly drifting closed, Sam regretted the pain this may cause Dean and Castiel but he knew in the long run Dean would move on, as would Castiel. Sam's inexorable darkness would not keep them from the light anymore.

Their pain would be short lived because Sam was sure as time went on they would begin to feel the lessening burden. Dean would not have to worry about Sam's addictions anymore, Castiel would not have to bruise his purity by associating with Lucifer's vessel.

They would be momentarily sad, lost, but Sam was adamant that they would learn to live efficiently without him.

Sam could feel the blood seeping into his jeans from his arm that was laying limply on his lap.

His breathing was becoming more and more shallow. Even through his closed eyes he could tell the world was spinning. Fog encompassed his mind as it began to slowly shut down.

"Sa…"

A voice laced with worry and shock reached him. It annoyed him. He was warm and comfortable in bed, why was this voice determined to disturb his rest?

Hands gripped his shoulders and sat him upright, shaking him. He whimpered in pain as the movement jostled his arm.

Why did his arm hurt? And why had he been leaning against something cold and hard? Wasn't he curled up in his soft bed, surrounded by blankets? Who was this annoying person slapping his face as if to revive him.

"Lemme sleep…" Sam's mumbled incoherently.

"No! Sam, stay awake!" The voice urged. Sam's head fell against voices shoulder as his mutilated arm was yanked out of his lap, into the voice's grip.

Sam whimpered again as pain shot up his arm, spreading to the rest of his body.

A shocked gasp met him as the voice held his arm. A face was pressed into the crook of his neck and he could feel tears soaking into his skin.

"Sam…why?"

Sam was fading quickly. He could feel the darkness pulling him deeper and deeper. He could no longer feel the pain, could no longer feel anything except the hand gently carding through his hair.

The voice spoke again. It was familiar, that voice. It left Sam with a feeling of deep contentment, allowing him to drift.

The last thing he heard was the voice whispering in his ear.

"It will be alright, Sam. I will take care of you."

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Reviews make a quick update. Seeing as I have classes today I should finish the final chapter today. I should be listening to the professor but Sastiel draws me away.


	3. Chapter 3

I worry that my stories have a recurring theme. Sam does something stupid and then Dean/Castiel is there to tell him he is stupid and pick up the pieces. *Sigh*

Well my next fic won't have that theme. I'mma start on that right after this one.

Btw T.L. Arens…it will be your idea. Sam and Dean getting caught by a demon and Castiel saving them. Of course I may throw in some awesome Sastiel because the world is better with Sastiel!

Ah I love Sastiel. It's just so awesome. Lol Better than Clark/Lex. (Clex)

It was dark and it was quiet. He was comfortable and that was all he could ask for at the moment. He felt calm and peaceful and he dared anyone to try and take it away.

Someone decided to push him though. Somebody dared.

"I know you're awake, Sam. Open your eyes."

Castiel, Sam realized. When the angel spoke, it all came flooding back.

Dean telling him they should stay apart. His heart seemingly shattering into a million tiny pieces. The knife. An annoying voice urging him to stay away. He realized now that that had be Castiel's voice. How he had been found, Sam did not know, but he had learned not to question how Castiel did what he did sometimes.

Slowly opening his eyes, Sam was met with Castiel's brilliant blues eyes, currently glaring.

He felt his heart sink when he realized that he had failed. He had been found and healed before he ended his life and it hurt. He was still here to burden his loved ones. Still here to suffer the heartbreak that came from Dean keeping him away.

Swallowing, Sam pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed and looked around the room, unable to meet Castiel's fiery gaze.

They were in a motel room, Sam lying on the bed farthest from the door. In the corner of the small room was a decrepit arm chair. In the chair, wearing a similar glare as Castiel's sat Dean.

Sam jumped when he saw his brother. He had not expected to see Dean for quite a while. Castiel had obviously brought him here after healing him.

Dean slowly stood up and approached Sam's bed.

"What were you thinking, Sammy?" Dean whispered menacingly, sitting beside Sam.

Sam felt rather small and defenseless. Castiel sat on one side of him, Dean on the other, both wearing similar facial expressions. Anger mixed with subtle relief. Sam couldn't meet their eyes. He glanced down at the bed spread, fiddling with the sheet that covered his legs and shrugged his shoulders.

Castiel's hand gripped Sam's chin firmly, bringing Sam's eyes up to meet his. There was always so much expression in Castiel's eyes and Sam saw many emotions. Anger, fear, love, worry.

"Answer him, Sam, or I will have to answer for you."

Sam shook his head desperately trying to make Castiel understand.

"I…I…" Sam trailed off, unable to continue. His eyes cast downward as Castiel released his chin.

"Look at me, Sammy." Sam closed his eyes at Dean's. Why were they both so insistent on Sam looking them in the eyes? Didn't they know he was close to breaking down right in front of them?

Sighing at Sam's lack of movement, Dean took Castiel's tactics and forced Sam to look him in the eyes.

"Is this because of Lucifer?"

_Partly_, Sam thought to himself. He didn't want Dean to know the other reason. He knew that would destroy Dean. To know that his little brother tried to kill himself because he wouldn't talk to him.

Not that Sam blamed him. Sam didn't blame Dean at all. It was Sam's decision after all but he knew Dean. Dean would find a way to blame himself. Sam didn't know that that was something both of the Winchester men shared.

Sam nodded hoping Dean would think that it was only because of that.

"There is more." Castiel spoke up, his hand gently rubbing Sam's shoulder.

Sam shook his head, desperately trying to get them to stop questioning.

"Tell me, Sammy." Dean pressed. Sam shook his head again.

Realization bloomed in Dean's eyes, along with tears. This is exactly what Sam did not want. Dean was blaming himself for something that was not his fault and Sam knew it was too late to try to persuade him otherwise.

"Sammy…" Dean choked. "I…" He trailed off, standing up and pacing the small room.

Sam's eyes met Castiel's desperately asking for help. Castiel smiled gently and pressed his lips to Sam's forehead.

"You can not deny him the truth." Castiel spoke quietly.

Sam swallowed and slowly stood up beside the bed. Dean stood by the window of the motel room, staring out.

"Dean?" Sam pressed gently.

Dean turned around and in less than a second was across the room, pulling his brother into his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Sammy. I didn't know…this is my fault. I'm so sorry."

Sam shook his head, pulling away from Dean. "This isn't your fault. You were right. We can't go on like we used to and it's my fault. I'm the one that started this and I have to live with the repercussions. I just…" Sam fought to keep him emotions in check. "I was just angry with myself. I was angry at myself that I had pushed away the only two people I have left with my stupidity. It wasn't your fault. I pushed you guys away and I just couldn't deal with it. I can't deal with myself."

Dean shook his head. "If I hadn't told you to stay away…"

"Enough." Castiel spoke quietly from beside the bed. "Do not dwell any longer on who was at fault or who should have done or not done what. Dwell instead on what comes next."

Sam and Dean both fell silent trying to find the words to say. Dean spoke first.

"We'll keep hunting, Sammy. We'll find Lucifer and we'll send him back to where he came from. We'll do it together."

Sam wanted that so badly. He had wanted that from the beginning but he knew that staying in contact with Dean and Castiel would only lead to danger for them.

"I…I don't want what I did to change your mind, Dean." Sam alleged. "I'm toxic. I'm putting you both in danger whenever I'm around you. You were right when you said we should stay apart. If I'm apart from you guys, I won't be putting you in danger."

Castiel cleared his throat. "I must say you are wrong, Sam. I have studied the two of you and in my observations I have noticed that when apart, as you have been lately, you are weaker."

Sam didn't believe him. How could his being apart from Dean make Dean weaker. Wherever Sam went, evil followed like a clingy toddler. He had brought so much pain down on those he loved.

Castiel continued, breaking Sam out of his thoughts. "And if you believe separating yourself from me will be beneficial for me, you are sorely mistaken."

"You would both be safer." Sam whispered.

"You're wrong." Both Dean and Castiel spoke at the same time. Dean continued.

"Here's the deal, Sammy. No matter how much you think this is your fault, you're wrong. No matter how much you think being apart is good for either of us, you're wrong. I will say this only once. You and I are going to hunt together again and you will not leave. Do you understand me?"

Before Sam could reply, Castiel continued.

"And you will not separate yourself from me because I will not allow that."

Sam opened his mouth to contradict but Castiel silenced him with a soft kiss. "Are we clear?" he said pulling away and fixing his light blue eyes with Sam's dark ones.

Sam smiled gently. He wasn't one to so quickly change his mind but Castiel had that power. He didn't know how Castiel did it but Sam's resolve was cracking. He was slowly realizing that he and Dean might possibly be stronger together and as for him and Castiel…he could not stand to separate himself from his angel again.

"Yeah…" Sam whispered.

"Good." Castiel replied, pulling Sam's head down for another kiss.

Reviews will make the next Sastiel fic come sooner!

Btw…FACEBOOK! (Brittaney Radlinger) lol


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